Growing into confidence

Confidence is often misunderstood as something loud, showy and arrogant. I recently discovered a quote by Esther Perel, therapist and author, that perfectly captures what confidence really means; ‘Confidence is knowing that I am a flawed human being, yet I still hold myself in high regard’.

When working with women on developing confidence, there is an expectation they need to be either 1) perfect or 2) someone they are not - and this quote challenges both of these viewpoints.

Neither of these things are true. They are a combination of limiting beliefs and unrealistic societal expectations that have been internalised and now hold women back, impacting their well-being and preventing them from enjoying their work.

That negative inner voice we all know too well waits in the wings, ready to talk us out of the things we truly want.

There are women who want to speak up and share their ideas, yet that inner voice is saying; ‘That is a stupid idea / question’.

They want to apply for that promotion, but that voice tells them; ‘You’re not as good as the others’.

They want to set a reasonable boundary and that voice tells them they will be judged and rejected.

This voice can be relentless and draining.

So where does it come from?

The social housing sector is full of extraordinary women - tenacious, compassionate, talented and inspirational. You navigate complex challenges daily, from tenant support to policy change, often with limited resources. Still, the pressure that ‘I’m not good enough’ can be derailing.

Confidence is different for everyone, and it ebbs and flows shifting in different situations. Whether you're new to the sector or an experienced professional, the voice of self-doubt can creep in and say:

• "I’m not ready for that promotion."
• "I should have handled that situation better."
• "I don’t belong at the decision-making table."

We often add shame by beating ourselves up even more for having these thoughts.

But what if you knew these thoughts do not come from failure, they come from care?

Those thoughts come with good intentions, they are trying to keep you safe. To keep you in your comfort zone and protect you. Shifting your perspective opens up space for a different dialogue with the inner voice. That simple shift can help you go from being stuck in rumination with those thoughts to compassion and courage to move forward.

We know the comfort zone is a great place to be, but growth doesn’t happen there. Growth (and confidence) happens in the small steps we take outside our comfort zone. It’s in acknowledging the inner voice that wants to keep you safe, yet being brave enough to take action towards your goal anyway. With each small win, you grow in confidence and capability.

‘Confidence is the reward of taking action’

Reframing ‘I’m not good enough’

Everything that is blooming in our gardens around us now is there because of the diligent preparation that took place earlier in the year. It was in tending to the ground, the soil preparation, removal of the pests and tool maintenance. It was trial and error, and trial again. And year after year, as you learn what works and what doesn’t, you become more skilled in creating a beautiful garden full of colour.

Confidence works in the same way - it isn’t built overnight with one tool or quick fix. It is developed in the moments of quiet reflection, the journey of self-acceptance and the practice and implementation of the small daily habits. Overtime, you learn the tools that work for you, you acknowledge the steps outside your comfort zone that turn into your successes and you create your own confidence toolkit.

In doing so you learn to reframe ‘I’m not good enough’ to ‘I deserve to be here’ and say it with conviction. 

You are already blooming - even if you can’t see it.

Many of us can’t see how far we’ve come until we take a pause and reflect. As we’re half way through the year, I invite you to pause and consider:

• What has gone well for you this year so far?
• When have you felt at your strongest and what enabled that?
• What are you most proud of?
• What unexpected achievements have you had?
• When have you felt most energised?

These moments of reflection boost our confidence when we realise, ‘Wow, I did all of that’. Scheduling time to reflect is not selfish, it is essential for our growth and development, confidence and well-being.

Steps to get your confidence blooming

Here are a few ways to nourish your confidence this summer:

• Create space for reflection - Even five quiet minutes at the start of each day can help you reset, re-prioritise and manage the inner chatter before the day runs away with you.
• Challenge your inner critic - When you notice a negative thought or you tell yourself ‘ I’m not good enough’, ask yourself ‘What would I be saying to a colleague I respect?’. It is a simple, but very powerful way to then turn that advice on to yourself.
• Take small steps out of the comfort zone - Write down something you would like to do, but have been putting off. Identify small steps that begin to take you towards that goal and schedule them in your diary. For extra accountability, tell a colleague your plan.
• Start a ‘smile file’ - Instead of tracking what you didn’t do, track your small wins and  positive feedback you receive. Keep adding to it, and over time it becomes a great source of ‘success’ evidence you can refer to when you have a moment of self doubt.
   

We often wait until we feel ready to show up fully. But the truth is, readiness comes through action, and courage often shows up in quiet forms - an email sent, a voice raised in a meeting, a decision made from a place of empathy.

If you’re working in this sector, you’ve already demonstrated resilience, care, intelligence, and commitment. Everyone around you sees it, now it’s time to start believing in yourself too.

By Gemma Brown

Gemma is a personal and business coach who specialises in helping individuals and organisations confidently embrace their identities. Find out more about her services here, or visit the WISH Training page and WISH Events page to find out about workshops and webinars delivered free to WISH members.